I could ride basic kiddie rides and the Tilt-A-Whirl and that was really it. At carnivals and the fair, that is. Rides that were permanently bolted down were OK. Except for Devil’s Hole at Fantasy Island. I don’t know what her deal was with that. Oh no, wait, more and more verboten rides are coming back to me now, Fantasy Island-style. But by the time I got to go to Crystal Beach and Darien Lake, I had complete ride control.
But back to the fair. The fair, the grand and wonderful fair, home of the best crappy food this side of someplace in Asia with great crappy food (or Texas), plus livestock, random country stars, 4-H-ers, and the magical possibility of a guy with no teeth giving you a stuffed panda bear for shooting water into a clown’s mouth. I’m betting that’s where JK Rowling got her idea for Dumbledore. Carnies*.
One year, however, there was – cue the seraphim choir -- a STAR WARS RIDE. We stumbled upon it, my parents and I. I am guessing it was after Empire came out, though it might have been as late in the game as Jedi. I dunno, it doesn’t feel like I was 14.
Either way, it won’t take me long to tell you about the ride, because it was the majorest piece of crap in all the history and lore of crappy craptastic crappiness. They had taken some other haunted house-type ride and thrown in, basically, Chewbacca, complete with flashing red eyes. I remember darkness, a few jerky twists of the car on its steel track (steel? Aluminum? Plutonium? Adamantium?), and some furry toothy beast leering at us [ibid], the lone travelers on this journey through the one place in the universe absolutely and completely bereft of the Force.
When it ended, I was stunned. I had never encountered anything in the Star Wars universe so very very very bad as this.
I’m pretty sure now that it was the inspiration for Revenge of the Sith.
*I am so kidding about Dumbledore and carnies. I luvs the Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot. Come on, look! I KNOW THE WORD WIZENGAMOT!
3 comments:
Chewbacca with flashing red eyes? Awesome! I love the fair.
Wait ... darkness, jerks, twists, furry toothy beast ... I think you may be remembering Expedition Everest. Or X-Men: The Last Stand. (Ba-DUM dum!)
My favorite horrible fair ride was the inflatable slide shaped like the Titanic sinking. Yes, you too could make like the hundreds of doomed passengers and stage your own horrifying plunge into the oblivion of an icy death. Then go get a funnel cake!
Oh Lord in Heaven, now there's a Tsunami slide. Make them stop!!
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I think I am going to be just like your mom! Gotta love her!
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